What is gratitude? Part 2.

(American) Thanksgiving is bearing down upon us, and this time of year always encourages people to make public lists of the things they're grateful for. But hardly anyone talks about toxic gratitude. That's what I'd like to tackle in this week's post.

My posts this week and last week were prompted by a post in a private, Pagan Facebook group. Last week's post is here. I'm not naming the original poster because it's a private group. 

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So: toxic gratitude.

I thought I'd made this phrase up all by myself, but as ever, the internet has beaten me to it. Google's AI stole its definition from this Times of India article, in which toxic gratitude is defined as "expressing thanks without truly meaning it". 

AsierRomeroCarballo | Deposit Photos

The article says you can spot toxic gratitude when it's prompted by social pressure (or, I would add, religious pressure); the result of either being manipulated by someone or by your attempt to manipulate someone; and over-apologizing or over-thanking someone. 

Manipulation is kind of a side trip into gaslighting, which I've talked about before. Go check out those links if you're interested. Today, what I want to look at are social pressure and over-apologizing/over-thanking.

Let's take on over-apologizing/over-thanking first. There's nothing wrong with thanking someone who has done you a favor -- we're all supposed to do that, right? But there's a line. To me, it ought to be a one-and-done. Well, maybe a two-and-done. But thanking me over and over -- or apologizing more than once -- puts the onus on me: I'm constantly being forced to express my gratitude to you for the favor/support/whatever, or to forgive you even if, by your actions, you've done nothing to earn it. (I get in trouble every time I link to that post about forgiveness. Fair warning: my take on the subject is very different from the Christian viewpoint.)

Look, it's not my job to constantly reassure you that you did a good thing or I still love you or whatever. To me, that sounds very much like a you problem. It feels to me like your boundaries aren't stable, and you need for me to reinforce them for you. Not a sign of a healthy relationship. Plus I'm not going to do it.

It's a short step from there to manipulation of the "Say to me this exact thing in this exact way!" variety, which I have no patience for. Or the "Believe everything I believe and hate all the things I hate, or you're part of the problem!" variety, which I also have no patience for (and to be honest, I thought we'd all left that cliqueish crap behind in junior high).

I'm not talking about instances where, for example, a person is spewing hatred and lies and expecting everyone around them to show their loyalty by kissing his ring; of course, that's wrong (not to mention dangerous for our country). I'm talking about interpersonal relationships on a smaller scale: If you want to gather like-minded people around you, you have to accept that some of those people will have opinions that differ from yours. In fact, one sure way to push your friends away is to demand that they behave exactly the way you want them to. That's your insecurity talking. It's a you problem, and one I can't solve for you.

Since we've sort of segued into the topic of social pressure anyhow, let's talk about gratitude journaling. As I said at the outset, 'tis the season to profess what you're grateful for to everyone you know. 

There's a benefit, for sure, in recognizing the good things in your life. But I see a danger in pressuring people to post online a list of stuff they're grateful for. For one thing, most people aren't going to post negative stuff on social media, for obvious reasons. But if you don't express those negative feelings somehow, even privately, or if you're determined to put a positive spin on everything, then you're gaslighting yourself with toxic positivity: "Even the bad stuff has its upside!" And it's a short step from there to... well, selling yourself short. Keeping your light under a bushel basket. Making it your business to make everyone else happy at the expense of your authentic self.

If your life sucks right now, own it. I think there's a lot of wisdom in this quote by a therapist: "When my clients can't summon a genuine feeling for gratitude in their lives and the activity of gratitude journaling feels superficial and dismissive of their real experiences, I invite them to appreciate the crap for what it is -- crap."

Sometimes life is crap. Sugar-coating it just gives you sugar-coated crap. The only healthy way out is through. 

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These moments of bloggy gratitude for those who read this post all the way to the end have been brought to you, as a public service, by Lynne Cantwell. Happy Thanksgiving!

What is gratitude? Part 1.

trombax | Deposit Photos

In a Pagan group on Facebook this week, another member (I'm not using her name because it's a private group) posted some questions meant to get at the heart of this topic: "What is gratitude?" She said she's not looking for reasons why gratitude is important; she's more interested in delving into the things that we call gratitude. More of a deconstruction; less of an admonishment.

Here we are in mid November, and gratitude season -- aka Thanksgiving -- is nearly upon us. So I told her I would tackle a few of her questions here on the blog.

One of the problems she sees -- and I see it, too -- is that the concept of gratitude has been infiltrated by what she calls "unhealthy impostors". Here's an example: What if you're giving something out of the goodness of your heart, but the person you're giving the thing to says they don't want it? 

Let's say your workplace or church has a food drive for the poor, or you attend an event where the admission price is a can of something for the local food pantry. So you do what a lot of us do: You bring a box or two of Kraft Mac & Cheese and a couple of cans of tuna and throw them in the collection box. You've done a good thing, right?

Maybe; maybe not. What if the person who gets your donation is diabetic? Lactose intolerant? Has celiac disease? Those are all legitimate health issues. But if the person you're donating to says "no thank you" to your offering -- for whatever reason -- do you think of them as ungrateful?

We haven't even gotten into how someone is supposed to make blue-box mac and cheese without milk and butter. Butter's tough without refrigeration, but dry milk is definitely a thing.

Then, too, poor people are people, with likes and dislikes. When I worked at the big DC law firm, we had partner offices overlooking Murrow Park on Pennsylvania Avenue NW. One late afternoon, one of the partners said to me, "It's funny, isn't it? There's always a flock of seagulls that show up and fly around the park every day at about this time."

"Maybe that's why," I said, pointing out his window and down. A van from one of the charities that feed the homeless was parked at the curb, and volunteers inside were handing out sandwiches to street people -- and some of the street people were sharing their sandwiches with the birds. 

Say what you will about seagulls, but they know a meal ticket when they see one.

It wasn't just the partner's cluelessness that has stuck with me about that scene. It was seeing people who had little or nothing themselves sharing their dinner with birds. I wondered why. Were they not hungry? Seemed unlikely. Did they not like the sandwiches? We were about ten floors up, so I couldn't tell what they were made from, but there was definitely white bread involved. No idea what the filling was, or whether they came with any condiments. A slice of cheese? A piece of wilted lettuce? Maybe a wan tomato slice? I didn't know. Maybe they were just bologna and bread.

Maybe people were tired of bologna and bread. 

How did the volunteers in the van feel about seeing their hard work going to the seagulls? I don't know the answer to that, either.

But I could understand the feelings of everyone involved: The volunteers, who were doing their best with whatever donations, both food and cash, they received; the street people, who were probably hungry, but maybe not for that; the birds, who were doing bird things; and maybe even the partner, who I'm sure donated to charities of his choice. (As do I.)

Is it necessary to expect gratitude when you gift someone something they didn't ask for? I don't think it is. I think it's better to ask what the person needs or wants. Even if they're poor.

And I think it's important to not fault a person who doesn't want what you're offering. Even if they're poor.

Because that makes the giving more about you than it does about the people you're trying to help.

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These moments of bloggy gratitude have been brought to you, as a public service, by Lynne Cantwell. Stay safe!

Happy New Year!

Scared everybody off with that New Agey post last week, huh?

Never mind.  2012 is almost over and 2013 is less than 36 hours away.  Soon I'll have a whole new year in which to post crazy stuff and make everybody wonder.

This year has been pretty spectacular, and my thanks go out to all of you for making it so.  As well you know, I've published three books, ramped up my participation at the Indie Exchange, and joined Indies Unlimited as a contributing author. More importantly, I've sold some some books and gained a few fans. I'm grateful to all of you for my success so far.

I've got a few tricks up my sleeve for 2013.  Gravid should be out in early spring, with Annealed to follow a few months later, assuming all goes well.  That will wrap up the Pipe Woman Chronicles, and force me to come up with an idea for a whole new series.  Aieee....  No idea what I'll do next, sorry.  Maybe some short stories.  Dunno yet.  I'll figure it out when the time comes.  I'm putting off thinking about it so that I don't get sidetracked from finishing Gravid and Annealed -- and nobody wants that, right?  Didn't think so.

Also, starting next week, I'm going to be instituting a new feature on the blog called "Rursday Reads."  I've been reading mostly indie books this year, but I haven't had time to post reviews around the web for months.  I figure if I review one book a week, I can whittle down my tottering pile of Books I Ought to Review within a few months -- and then we'll see where we are at that point.  I'll set up a separate tab for the reviews, and they'll go up on Thursdays.  Why the odd spelling, you ask?  Well, back when I was in junior high, Michigan City Area Schools turned our class scheduling over to a computer.  The schedule forms had a single-letter designation for each day of the week.  Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday got the first letter of the word, but for some unknown reason, "R" was picked to designate Thursday.  Hence, Rursday.  And "Rursday Reads" has a nice alliterative thing going for it.  So there you go.

To be clear, I don't intend to turn this into a review blog, and I am NOT accepting books for review.  (Don't go looking for submission guidelines, guys -- there aren't any.)  I'm just trying to kick myself in the butt to get reviews of these books posted -- and, at the same time, give some love to my fellow indies who deserve it.

So those are my writing goals for 2013: finish the Pipe Woman Chronicles, write something else in the second half of the year, post some book reviews here on the blog, keep up with my regular posts all over the place and -- oh yeah, I'm starting another blog tour right after New Year's Day.  It's called the Orangeberry Big Bang Tour.  I don't have a complete schedule yet, but I'll post it on the Tour Dates tab once I get it.

Happy 2013!  Enjoy your celebrations, stay safe, and see you next year!

Thanksgiving 2012, or: Gratitude with an Attitude.

My weekly news feature has been sadly neglected of late; I apologize for that, but I've been concentrating on writing (Tapped and Book 4) and editing (Tapped), so promotion has gotten shoved to the side a little bit. Well, that's about to end.

For one thing, as of today, we are just about 30 days shy of the date of the first scene in Seized:  the night Brock proposes to Naomi.  That means the Winter Solstice and White Buffalo Calf Pipe Woman's first appearance to Naomi are fast approaching, too.  I'm planning to mark the occasion with a little celebration.  You'll notice the decorations are already going up -- the banner up top and the countdown clock (roll your cursor over the countdown clock -- it's kinda fun, once or twice).  I've got several guest blog slots lined up, some of which are listed on the Tour Dates page.  And I'm planning a contest.  ("Ooooh!  Aaaah!")  More details to come next week on all of that, but in the meantime, get ready, and tell your friends and neighbors.

Speaking of redecorating, I keep forgetting to mention this:  Tucked away on the Buy My Books tab is a link at the top of the page to "Lynne's Book Emporium on Amazon.com."  There you will find, besides links to my own books, links to most of the books I've been using as reference works for the Pipe Woman Chronicles.  If you enjoy perusing bibliographies and "suggestions for further reading" lists, feel free to take a look.


In addition, I should mention that I did more at WFC in Toronto than just attend one panel.  I did a reading, sold two books (yay!), met some local knitters (yes, that's right -- I met two knitters who live in northern Virginia while at a writers' conference in Canada), and people-watched.  One of the panels I attended was the Patty and Mike Show, where Patricia Briggs (who writes the Mercy Thompson books and the Alpha and Omega series) and her husband held forth for an hour or so.  I got a t-shirt, too.



The Friday night mass autographing session is always a great place to spot writerly celebrities.  I was pretty much stuck in my own little corner all night.  But as I was leaving, I happened to turn around and notice Patrick Rothfuss sitting by the door.  If you've ever wondered what the guy who writes the Kingkiller Chronicle looks like, take a gander over to your left.






Moving on from convention news, I should mention that I've got a cat again, if only for a limited time.  Tom, a.k.a. Tommy Wommy, a.k.a. Mr. Wommy, a.k.a. The Wommy Man, is once again in residence, due to a quirk in my older daughter's housing situation.  Here he is, in all his adorable glory. You can easily see why he merits multiple nicknames.  (I should just convert this to a blog featuring pictures of Mr. Wommy, shouldn't I?  That would drive up page views, I bet....)

Finally, I'm feeling much better about my NaNoWriMo totals after this weekend.  As of right now, I have written a little more than 35,000 words of Book 4 and feel confident that I will finish it well before the end of the month.  Which is good, because I will need to do final edits and formatting on Tapped then.  Whew.

Anyway, enough about all that.  This Thursday is Thanksgiving here in the US, and one of our hoary traditions (besides watching huge balloons float down NY streets on TV and eating ourselves sick) is to list things we give thanks for.  So here you go, my list of Five Things I Am Grateful For This Thanksgiving.  (I could come up with more, but this post is already pretty long, and I'm sure y'all have things to do.)

1. Friends and family, of course.
2. My fans.  I'm especially grateful for those who fit the description for both #1 and #2.
3. My day job, which allows me to live comfortably while pursuing my dream of being a full-time novelist.
4. The ability to write the books I want to write and to publish them.  Indie publishing for the win!
5. My colleagues at Indies Unlimited and the Indie Exchange, who, besides being available at a moment's notice to commiserate and cheer each other on, are just plain fun to hang out with.

And a Bonus Thing I Am Grateful For This Thanksgiving:

NaNo is almost over!

Have a great Turkey Day, everyone.

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This moment of bloggy gratitude was brought to you, as a public service, by Lynne Cantwell.