Monday, November 18, 2024

What is gratitude? Part 1.

trombax | Deposit Photos

In a Pagan group on Facebook this week, another member (I'm not using her name because it's a private group) posted some questions meant to get at the heart of this topic: "What is gratitude?" She said she's not looking for reasons why gratitude is important; she's more interested in delving into the things that we call gratitude. More of a deconstruction; less of an admonishment.

Here we are in mid November, and gratitude season -- aka Thanksgiving -- is nearly upon us. So I told her I would tackle a few of her questions here on the blog.

One of the problems she sees -- and I see it, too -- is that the concept of gratitude has been infiltrated by what she calls "unhealthy impostors". Here's an example: What if you're giving something out of the goodness of your heart, but the person you're giving the thing to says they don't want it? 

Let's say your workplace or church has a food drive for the poor, or you attend an event where the admission price is a can of something for the local food pantry. So you do what a lot of us do: You bring a box or two of Kraft Mac & Cheese and a couple of cans of tuna and throw them in the collection box. You've done a good thing, right?

Maybe; maybe not. What if the person who gets your donation is diabetic? Lactose intolerant? Has celiac disease? Those are all legitimate health issues. But if the person you're donating to says "no thank you" to your offering -- for whatever reason -- do you think of them as ungrateful?

We haven't even gotten into how someone is supposed to make blue-box mac and cheese without milk and butter. Butter's tough without refrigeration, but dry milk is definitely a thing.

Then, too, poor people are people, with likes and dislikes. When I worked at the big DC law firm, we had partner offices overlooking Murrow Park on Pennsylvania Avenue NW. One late afternoon, one of the partners said to me, "It's funny, isn't it? There's always a flock of seagulls that show up and fly around the park every day at about this time."

"Maybe that's why," I said, pointing out his window and down. A van from one of the charities that feed the homeless was parked at the curb, and volunteers inside were handing out sandwiches to street people -- and some of the street people were sharing their sandwiches with the birds. 

Say what you will about seagulls, but they know a meal ticket when they see one.

It wasn't just the partner's cluelessness that has stuck with me about that scene. It was seeing people who had little or nothing themselves sharing their dinner with birds. I wondered why. Were they not hungry? Seemed unlikely. Did they not like the sandwiches? We were about ten floors up, so I couldn't tell what they were made from, but there was definitely white bread involved. No idea what the filling was, or whether they came with any condiments. A slice of cheese? A piece of wilted lettuce? Maybe a wan tomato slice? I didn't know. Maybe they were just bologna and bread.

Maybe people were tired of bologna and bread. 

How did the volunteers in the van feel about seeing their hard work going to the seagulls? I don't know the answer to that, either.

But I could understand the feelings of everyone involved: The volunteers, who were doing their best with whatever donations, both food and cash, they received; the street people, who were probably hungry, but maybe not for that; the birds, who were doing bird things; and maybe even the partner, who I'm sure donated to charities of his choice. (As do I.)

Is it necessary to expect gratitude when you gift someone something they didn't ask for? I don't think it is. I think it's better to ask what the person needs or wants. Even if they're poor.

And I think it's important to not fault a person who doesn't want what you're offering. Even if they're poor.

Because that makes the giving more about you than it does about the people you're trying to help.

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These moments of bloggy gratitude have been brought to you, as a public service, by Lynne Cantwell. Stay safe!

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