What is gratitude? Part 2.

(American) Thanksgiving is bearing down upon us, and this time of year always encourages people to make public lists of the things they're grateful for. But hardly anyone talks about toxic gratitude. That's what I'd like to tackle in this week's post.

My posts this week and last week were prompted by a post in a private, Pagan Facebook group. Last week's post is here. I'm not naming the original poster because it's a private group. 

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So: toxic gratitude.

I thought I'd made this phrase up all by myself, but as ever, the internet has beaten me to it. Google's AI stole its definition from this Times of India article, in which toxic gratitude is defined as "expressing thanks without truly meaning it". 

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The article says you can spot toxic gratitude when it's prompted by social pressure (or, I would add, religious pressure); the result of either being manipulated by someone or by your attempt to manipulate someone; and over-apologizing or over-thanking someone. 

Manipulation is kind of a side trip into gaslighting, which I've talked about before. Go check out those links if you're interested. Today, what I want to look at are social pressure and over-apologizing/over-thanking.

Let's take on over-apologizing/over-thanking first. There's nothing wrong with thanking someone who has done you a favor -- we're all supposed to do that, right? But there's a line. To me, it ought to be a one-and-done. Well, maybe a two-and-done. But thanking me over and over -- or apologizing more than once -- puts the onus on me: I'm constantly being forced to express my gratitude to you for the favor/support/whatever, or to forgive you even if, by your actions, you've done nothing to earn it. (I get in trouble every time I link to that post about forgiveness. Fair warning: my take on the subject is very different from the Christian viewpoint.)

Look, it's not my job to constantly reassure you that you did a good thing or I still love you or whatever. To me, that sounds very much like a you problem. It feels to me like your boundaries aren't stable, and you need for me to reinforce them for you. Not a sign of a healthy relationship. Plus I'm not going to do it.

It's a short step from there to manipulation of the "Say to me this exact thing in this exact way!" variety, which I have no patience for. Or the "Believe everything I believe and hate all the things I hate, or you're part of the problem!" variety, which I also have no patience for (and to be honest, I thought we'd all left that cliqueish crap behind in junior high).

I'm not talking about instances where, for example, a person is spewing hatred and lies and expecting everyone around them to show their loyalty by kissing his ring; of course, that's wrong (not to mention dangerous for our country). I'm talking about interpersonal relationships on a smaller scale: If you want to gather like-minded people around you, you have to accept that some of those people will have opinions that differ from yours. In fact, one sure way to push your friends away is to demand that they behave exactly the way you want them to. That's your insecurity talking. It's a you problem, and one I can't solve for you.

Since we've sort of segued into the topic of social pressure anyhow, let's talk about gratitude journaling. As I said at the outset, 'tis the season to profess what you're grateful for to everyone you know. 

There's a benefit, for sure, in recognizing the good things in your life. But I see a danger in pressuring people to post online a list of stuff they're grateful for. For one thing, most people aren't going to post negative stuff on social media, for obvious reasons. But if you don't express those negative feelings somehow, even privately, or if you're determined to put a positive spin on everything, then you're gaslighting yourself with toxic positivity: "Even the bad stuff has its upside!" And it's a short step from there to... well, selling yourself short. Keeping your light under a bushel basket. Making it your business to make everyone else happy at the expense of your authentic self.

If your life sucks right now, own it. I think there's a lot of wisdom in this quote by a therapist: "When my clients can't summon a genuine feeling for gratitude in their lives and the activity of gratitude journaling feels superficial and dismissive of their real experiences, I invite them to appreciate the crap for what it is -- crap."

Sometimes life is crap. Sugar-coating it just gives you sugar-coated crap. The only healthy way out is through. 

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These moments of bloggy gratitude for those who read this post all the way to the end have been brought to you, as a public service, by Lynne Cantwell. Happy Thanksgiving!

Don't try to encourage me -- just give me the candy.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day -- that day when retailers' seasonal aisles are awash in only-okay chocolates in heart-shaped boxes, and florists beg you to send someone a bouquet. (Talk about inflation: Have you ever priced a dozen roses during Valentine's season?)

Not everybody's a fan of the holiday. I'm not. And this year, the people who make Sweethearts candy -- you know, those little conversation hearts that taste kind of like chalk -- are trying hard to include people like me. Or so they think.

The original candies say stuff like TRUE LOVE and BE MINE. A few years ago, the manufacturer tried to be more appealing to the kids by adding sayings like TEXT ME. You'd think nothing would be more pathetic than a stodgy old candymaker trying to catch the zeitgeist of the youth market, wouldn't you? 

You might think so, but you would be wrong. You would be oh so very wrong.

This year, according to the Washington Post, Spangler Candy has decided to add another bunch of sayings. They're calling them "words of encouragement": things like DON'T QUIT and GO 4 IT and CRUSH IT. (There's a short video here that shows the new messages.)

I think I speak for the vast majority of Americans when I say: Spangler, could you not?

Christine Emba, who wrote the WaPo op-ed piece I linked to above, calls this toxic positivity. I think she nailed it. Here we are, on the cusp of year three of a global pandemic. We've been working from home or risking our lives at an in-person job or being laid off, coping with kids' fluctuating school schedules, and simultaneously fielding endless arguments over whether the vaccines are safe and effective (THEY ARE) or whether masks work (THEY DO). We're tired. I'm tired, and I'm retired*. And you want me to CRUSH IT?

A couple of weeks ago, as I sat in meditation, I heard someone ask me, "What do you want to do this year?" But in my mind's eye, I saw a big tree beside a meandering creek, and all I wanted to do was sit under that tree, close my eyes, and not move for a while. I might get bored pretty fast, I thought, but I'll take that chance.

The Sweethearts manufacturer says the idea is to give these new hearts to the "difference-makers" in our lives -- the people who have helped us become the best that we can be. Great idea! I'll get right on that. But first, that tree beside the creek is beckoning.

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About that asterisk next to "retired": The New Mexico state legislature has begun the final week of this year's regular session, and I'll be working up until the end. We're at the point when things get really crazy; for example, the House of Representatives' Friday night session ended at six o'clock Saturday morning. I'm on day shift so I didn't have to pull an all-nighter, but day shift's hours did get extended this weekend so the night shift could get some sleep. 

I'm really looking forward to the hard stop at noon on Thursday.

Gee, maybe that's why napping under that tree seems so appealing right now...

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These moments of encouraging blogginess have been brought to you, as a public service, by Lynne Cantwell. Here's my Valentine's Day message to you: GET VAXXED!